It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
