can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
