It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
