This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
