Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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