Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
