Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
