Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
