um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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