I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
