when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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