i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
