I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
