So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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