I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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