I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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