She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
