I feel like I'm in dance class right now
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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