when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
