he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
