I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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