youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
