someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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