i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
