Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
