I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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