I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
