the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
