On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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