Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is Oprah even human
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
