im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
