I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
