I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
