so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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