I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
