Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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