I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am one with the molecules
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
