i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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