I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
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Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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