I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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