i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My penis needs a shock collar
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Your penis caused this!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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