Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
