Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
