i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
