I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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