Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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