My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
