my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
