I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
