i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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