operation harelip BJ is a go
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
