if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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