i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My breasts were aching with rage.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
