I think I am morally bankrupt
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A bitchslap is in order.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
