I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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