Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
