At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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